UWP Members Blog #3: Not everything is Black & White

In our third UWP. Members blog, one of our non binary trans members Holly, shares their experience of supporting Newcastle United, mental health journey, coming to terms with their gender identity and how United With Pride has helped them come to terms with some of the challenges they've faced.

The atmosphere. The passion. The sea of black and white shirts. The first match I went to was a pre-season friendly against PSV Eindhoven on a rainy night in August 2008. It’s in my blood to be a Toon fan - my dad and brother both avid Geordies too. The three of us would often sit in front of the telly in our local, a neutral pub in County Durham, scranning crisps and trying not to spill our pints of coke when Shearer, most predictably, put it in the back of the net. My hero, my grandad Harry, was a fan of any team that was Northern! He had a special place in his heart for Newcastle United, especially during the Bobby Robson years. Sir Bobby was a class mate of his, growing up in Langley Park and Brandon, so he’d share stories of having a kick about when they were in school and I’d listen in awe.

I’ve fond memories of these years, when football united my family and my friends. Unfortunately, as many people in our group and the LGBTQ community have dealt with, I became estranged from my family for personal reasons but mostly due to feeling like I couldn’t be accepted into their lives as a lesbian. A life lived in fear or with shame in your heart is not a life lived to its fullest. So, I moved away from the North East, studied for a degree in Manchester, and I became an armchair supporter. I’d occasionally watching Match of the Day during the Ashley era. The club still lingered in my heart, though I subdued the passion that I had for it. After finishing my degree, moving around the country a few times, going through a divorce, and coming out as non-binary in 2021, it was time to revisit a constant in my life that brought me such joy. NUFC are that constant - the community, the culture, the excitement and the hope is restored both in the club and also on a more personal level.

At the end of 2021, my mental health was at a low point and I’d been following the takeover. It was the day after my birthday, October 7th, that it was announced and I saw videos of people celebrating outside of St. James Park waving flags, drinking cans and in pure, unadulterated bliss. I fell in love with football again. On my darkest days, there was always something to look forward to - the next match. On March 5th 2022, I walked back into St. James Park after ten years of no attendance, Brighton our opponents. I was home. Local Hero blared over the P.A. system, flags were flying, everybody was singing, Fraser and Schar got two past the keeper that day and we won 2-1, a nice little welcome back to Newcastle gift from the lads.

United with Pride has given me what I was missing before - friends who are queer toon fans to meet up with before the match, have a laugh and a drink with in a safe environment - the wonderful Bobby’s bar. I joined Ian, Claire, Mark, Carol and Keith before the Crystal Palace home match in Bobby’s last year and instantly felt welcomed and most importantly, part of the group! We celebrated that Miggy goal back at the bar. Since then, we’ve met up a few times (not living in Newcastle makes it hard to make it a regular occurrence) but any time meeting up with this group of people feels special.

Seeing pride flags at St. James Park is something that as a queer kid, sitting at the back of level 7 of the Leazes End, I never thought I’d see. So, in that respect, we have to acknowledge how far the club, the fans, and most importantly, the work that UWP has done to get where us are now. Are we as LGBTQ or gender non-conforming people in society accepted and safe without question? Unfortunately not, but knowing that there is a group of people who share your values, who will fight for the right to exist along side you and who share the same passion as you has been immeasurable for me in terms with coming to terms with my identity as neither a man or a woman. Since joining UWP, I’ve been able to make sense of my non-binary ness - exploring it and being visible in a safe queer friendly place has been crucial. I have never felt out of place at St. James Park and I think that’s very special for a queer non-binary person but I also think that it is because as part of this special group, we belong in footballing spaces. Just as racism, sexism, homophobia and transphobia will die out, it is only by inserting ourselves in these spaces that change will occur. UWP makes it easier to do that. Always be yourself because everybody else is taken.

#UnitedWithPride #NewcastleUnited #UnitedAsOne #LGBTQIA #Trans #NonBinary